Best E-mail Ever

This evening I received what was undoubtedly the best e-mail I have received in a very, very long time. Names have been changed because you all know who it means and the internet is creepy.


Hello Ahice "Chopped Liver" Jorke -

Three people have asked me for the recipe for Lysa "Get To An AA Meeting" Dorschtick's cookies. Would you oblige? And also compliment Corinna "Daddy Issues" Bregner?

Also, I am going home on Wednesday and I will be back on Sunday. Can we hang out multiple times between Monday, December 29, 2008 and Monday, February 2, 2009?

Say hi to Cathy "Daria Morgendorffer" Colye for me!

Happy Christmas!

Much love,

Casey

[PS - If Lysa is really struggling with alcoholism or Corinna really has established daddy issues or you have a phobia of chopped liver, please ignore my off-color jokes. I don't really care how Cathy feels about her nickname.]

My Morning, Thus Far

So I am, once again, sitting around listening to Christmas music on the radio. A terrible, terrible 80's pop song came on and I was thinking about "Love Actually", like, wow, do pop stars really get forced to remake their songs into Christmas songs?

Then I was surprised to hear the strains of "Strangers in the Night" since the station is only playing Christmas music. Except that it begins "Reindeer in the night...". I sat stunned, and then furiously searched the Internet for the lyrics because they were really fantastic, but apparently the song just doesn't exist.


-------------


In "Time Out New York", there used to be a horoscope section called "Planet Terry", which mysteriously disappeared during some year I wasn't a subscriber. I remember liking those horoscopes, so today I searched for "Planet Terry" online. I found a Wikipedia article on the Marvel comic book of that name, and I also found Cheryl Lee Terry's website. Bingo. The first thing you see is a Maya Angelou poem. Then I looked up my horoscope. This is what I found:

WEEK OF: December 15-21

The Twins are one of the most delightful, interesting and sensual signs of the Zodiac. But on Monday, when Mars arouses your insecurities, jealousies or (probably unfounded) suspicions, try to hold off delving into mental excursions to nowhere, because Tuesday's fabulous aspects will lift your spirits and turn you into a tactful, delightful and very desirable object of someone's affections.

The rest of October is full of opportunities for growth, both spiritually and mentally. You should follow that subliminal urge to delve into the family history, spend time with unusual people, or enroll in an intriguing class or seminar. When these urges appear out of nowhere, this is usually the Universe providing direction, insight or a bit of information that will come in handy down the road.

There are four subsequent paragraphs, but I couldn't read any of them. I actually sought out this particular horoscope, and she's merely copied some of it from some random week in some random October. The only spiritual growth this has brought me is to officially stop reading horoscopes.

...Except the ones in the L magazine, because those are fantastic. Look how pertinent mine is: "I’m not going to solve your problems by telling you your future. If we were honest with ourselves we’d recognize that the future is known to us, but we just refuse to admit it, because the idea of doing anything to change it is abhorrent and terrifying."

The L Magazine horoscopes don't mess around, and I trust them because of that. They're the ones who told me that my future involves sitting around, drinking in bars by myself while all of my friends disappear. They're right; telling me that didn't solve any of my problems. So now I'm taking control of my future and turning off the radio because "Christmas Shoes" came on and the only person who's going to be meeting Jesus tonight is the absolute tool who wrote and sang that horrible, horrible affront to music. Reindeer in the night, come back to me! Come back!

Hmm

Today I wasn't scheduled at either of my jobs, but I thought I would pick up a shift at Vicki's because I'm dropping one on Friday for a dentist appointment. Having woken up in a bit of a funk, the prospect of choosing to go there for 6 hours was not a fun one. However, neither was sitting on the couch by myself all day listening to Christmas music. As I was donning my mood-lifting all black attire, I got a text message from the manager of Bare Escentuals who was sending out the "distress call": one employee called out sick and she was in the ER because the safe dropped on her foot. In a store with a grand total of 20 employees, two people calling out in one day is huge. So I responded and am now going to BE for the rest of the day. As I walked around getting ready, I realized that--as opposed to ten minutes prior when I was dragging my feet from one room to another--I was literally dancing my way around the apartment.

Do I prefer one job over the other? Good question. Sometimes I can't tell because I work 30 hours a week at the bad one and only 8 at the good one. Something is wrong with that picture.

?? again!

Similarly, what does one wear to a party at which pictures of yourself will be projected across the walls, to which you were invited by an adorable boy you met on Craig's List who has seen you with Cheetos mashed up in your braces?


It seems that all my problems these days are sartorial.

If only that were true....

Just Super

I'm having an allergic reaction to the $6 pants I bought at a discount store which is filing for bankruptcy.

I guess I won't be getting them taken in.

This has been another chapter in The Alice Yorke Story: Too Pathetic to Be a Lie.

??

What do you wear to a cupcuke party where you'll be meeting a guy who's been e-mailing you for five weeks after meeting you in a grocery store where you sold him sausage?

I DON'T KNOW!!!

Edit, 10:57 pm (Post-Date)

"Bright Lights, Cured Meats: The Alice Yorke Story"